Tax Day Rick
by HookahSocialism
Summary: Jerry wants Rick to help him pay his taxes. Rick gives him a gun to extract the wealth of anyone he wishes to fund the state treasury.


Jerry is looking at several paper stubs and checking the laptop whimpering and nervous. Rick suddenly enters the room eating a big bowl of ice cream.

"Morty! (belch) you gotta try this peanut butter lovers ice cream Morty! Its so much fucking peanut butter Morty! Y...you wont love peanut butter anymore after this Morty!

Oh nevermind...its just you Jerry. Way to bringe the whole room down. Also you're more sweaty than usual."

"Rick you're a smart guy... Can...can you do these taxes for me?"

Rick rolls his eyes.

"That...(belch) thats the best you can come up with Jerry? You...you have a genius living in your house. I could build a robot that could go to work for you. Do it better and get you a promotion. And you're asking me to do your taxes? Fuck your taxes Jerry! Fuck everybody's taxes! (belch) why would I pay taxes to a system that doesn't give a shit about me Jerry?!"

"Well uhhh... im actually a republican Rick so I agree with you but..."

"This aint (belch) about being a republican Jerry! Dont make me smack you Jerry! I I'll bitchslap you like a bipolar pimp Jerry if you talk about dumbass republicans again!"

"Look Rick Tax season is almost over and I dont want to get this wrong and go to jail."

"You arent gonna go to jail Jerry. Facebook and Google make a habit of tax evasion. Is Mark Zuckerberg in jail? They couldnt suck his circumcised dick harder...and hes got waaay more money than you to extract. But the IRS doesnt care Jerry! (belch) They just hope suckers like you buy into that jail crap so yoh pussy out and give your tithes. And if that doesnt work theyll make dumb promises like building roads and funding police. Like I need to spend 10% of my income for roads and watch black people get beaten up."

"Well you're...elderly Rick. What about social security?"

"Ok Jerry I can see math isnt your strong suit. Whats ten percent of 1200 Jerry?"

"120 ofcourse."

"Good good...now what if told you to spend 120 dollars worth every week on scratchoff tickets?"

"Thats crazy! You know what the chances are of..."

"You're spending 120 a week NOW Jerry! On...on (belch) a fixed retirement fund. A retirement fund THEY decide the age of. You'll probably be dead by the time you can collect social security Jerry! And...and for what? Play scratchoffs Jerry! Even if it was one in seven billion chances you could buy 120 scratchoffs a week. Thats over 49,000 a year Jerry! Give it 40 years and thats 1,960,000! Thats a lot of fucking tickets Jerry! You're bound to get a payout sooner or later! (belch) Gamblers fallacy Jerry! How...hows that for being a repulican?!"

"Sooo you're not gonna help me do these taxes?"

Rick gives a stoic expression and pulls out what looks like a watergun.

"Wo Rick!"

"Wow Jerry...i thought a republican would get a boner at the sight of a gun. But this is no ordinary gun Jerry. This gun...you you aim it at a laptop or a phone and it cracks into its settings and finds all your info Jerry. It finds all your info and it takes an extracted amount from your bank or debit and sends it right into the state's treasury."

He points it at Jerry's laptop and pulls the trigger. Jerry squirms and guards his face with his arms but nothing happens.

"Well that was..."

"Check your balance ding dong."

"Oh my God! Theres over a hundred dollars missing!"

"Uhh YEA, DUH!!! Now take this and have at it Jerry. Shoot the rich, the poor, I dont care. Tax the fuck out of everyone and have your roads and beaten up black people Jerry. Im gonna go take a shit."

Jerry looks at the gun once Rick tosses it into his hands.

"Is this legal?"

"Og my GOD Jerry! Yeah sure...its all the legal. I mean you got pedophiles running social media and send child porn to eachother AND dont pay taxes but hey...if it makes you feel better nine out of ten lawyers say this gun is legal. The tenth I used it on."

"Wh...why?"

"Cause he asked stupid questions like you Jerry!"

Jerry walks down the street considering the power he has holstered.

"I could extract ten percent of anybodts balance...but who to pick? Becky from down the block?"

Jerry squints his eyes.

"She's the one who convinced the neighborhood watch not to let me build that long fence..."

He takes out the gun and points it at her laptop all dramatically and shoots.

"Huh... I dont feel any better. I mean how will she even know unless I told her to check her bank statements? Ugghhh theres Billy! That little bastard always gets the order wrong yet still thinks he's the burger king! No zit cream for you this week kiddo!'

Its not too long before he is shooting everyone. Some guy for ignoring a homeless man begging, another for litering, another for picking his nose. One guy said outloud BANHAMMER on some videogame server and Jerry shot that guy several times.

Jerry feels unfulfilled despite taxing the ever living crap out of the wicked. He sighs hunched over on the couch.

"I expected this to bring me excitement and a sense of justice...now I just feel like a dick. Well the good news is I think I shot enough people with the tax gun to really make a difference!"

Jerry turns on the television to hear how it seems the treasury has had an astounding year. That it seems they have collected what was expected in tax revenue several months early and everyone is doing their fair share.

In the very next breath they say they're going to be cutting some programs, tightening the budget, increasing social security age by two years, BUT... Big investors with 50 or more percent shares in thriving stocks likr Google and Facebook won't have to pay a dime because maybe magically if you dont tax a bunch of pedophile assholes who are even worse than Isis...theyll create jobs.

Jerry throws the tax gun to the ground and it breaks. Rick walks behind him eating another big bowl of ice cream.

"So I see you finally realize that..."

"You darn tootin I do Rick! As soon as possible I'll be re-registering democrat! That'll teach those fuckers over at Google and Facebook!"

Rick doesn't say anything and just puts a spoonfull of ice cream in his mouth and walks away.


End file.
